“He’s on a roll lately with lots of ugly 15 year olds”
you make me sick
April 2012
i can barely even communicate with you anymore, you’re so far under in your own mind and the life you’ve made up to believe is okay.
i don’t think you’d even notice
i’m so disgusted with myself and i want to get as far away from this weekend as possible
i’m so sorry dad.
“I have a lot of faith in people and a strong immune system.” truest words i’ve ever spoken.
too much faith in people always
“You’re just so nice and so caring of everyone and want everyone to be good all the time but it just can’t happen.”
I thought finally coming to school at 930 would be okay until I turned on the radio
It’s always a heavier sleep after crying. The weight of my heart is holding me under.
oh you look good with your patient face and wandering eyes
I’m done pretending to like people that I don’t. this whole town can keep living like that, but it’s too exhausting and pretty disgusting to me.
like why am I so bad at being fun and crazy and sociable
sometimes I am, but mostly not. and i know it distances myself from everyone else but I’m just not as hyper like that and sometimes I can’t help it.
Five Times Over - Maria Carlos
The morning after she left the first time,
it rained. The driveway was vacant
of everything but a puddle of rainbow oil
and an earthworm crawling
millimeter by millimeter
towards the mud.
My brother told me that
worms, they have five hearts
in a line down their bodies.
He told me this a few days ago,
while slicing one in half with dad’s pocket knife.
The worm didn’t bleed very much.
Well, worms. Both pieces wriggled.
Infant‐worms, forced to grow all over again.
The morning she left, I used a stick
to poke the worm from the driveway to the grass
and whispered:
“Can I have one of your hearts…?”
But before I could say please,
the earthworm slid into the mud.
He and his five hearts going one by one
into the ground. He probably uses them
to love the whole world all at once.
If I had five hearts, I would save each one for later.
That way, even if mom left and broke the old one,
even if I died one, two, three, four times,
on the day she comes home
I’d have an extra in my pocket to love her with.
“You are who I think about whenever I’m listening to a country song about a girl” ♥
i’m so mad at you for being in my dream last night. it was so real and it’s killing me.
you hurt everyone who cares about you but are blind to the pain it causes. how can you live your life that way when it’s killing everyone else? it’s killing you.
“
At 7:35 A.M, you lay your tired body on mine
before peeling off, like a slow band-aid.
At 8:40 you sprint home and make instant coffee.
At 9:45 we finally drink it, cold.
I finish your leftover half.
By 10:50 you are already breathless.
I live for every time we overlap.
When 11:55 comes I spend the entire minute convincing you to stay.
You never do.
By noon I put my hands on your shoulders and say, “Baby,
you’re getting thin. All this running in circles and barely sitting down to eat.”
At 1:05 you tell me that while you were gone,
15,300 babies were born.
At 2:10 you don’t say a word,
just come in and kiss me for sixty seconds straight.
At 3:15 we sit quiet, listening to rain falling everywhere
in the world at once: all 15,000 tons.
At 4:20 we pull a little from the tight joint I keep behind your ear.
You do not inhale.
At 5:25 you meet me for happy hour.
My neck already salted, a lime wedged in my teeth,
a shot of tequila sitting on the bar.
At 6:30 I hear the ticking.
I count your heartbeat like seconds between thunderclaps.
By 7:35 I can see you in the distance,
each second a tease until you drape over me.
We always love quick and you never let me hold you.
I dream of drinking you through a straw.
At 8:40 you watch my beard grow 0.00027 of an inch.
At 9:45 we do not speak.
Too many people have died since we last met.
At 10:50 we pray for a meteor,
at least a clumsy kid to spill sugar in our gears.
11:55 is my favorite.
We’re only apart for mere minutes.
But at midnight you’ll apologize sixty times
because it will always be like this.
At 1:04 AM I am already sleeping.
It’s exhausting loving someone
who is constantly running away.
The future is the Bible of the free
